RECLAIMING WOMEN'S DESIRE, ENTRY 5 thief #3: the false narrative that marriage kills your sex life

Society tells us that marriage kills your sex life
Society has another message for us; that sex within marriages isn’t as good as it was before marriage. Movies reinforce the idea that married couples do not have sex or at least they do not have the kind of hot sex worth watching. Have you ever noticed that movies show a ton of hot sex between people who are not yet married and then as soon as they are married there are no more sex scenes? It’s as if married sex is seen as gross and uninteresting. When, in my experience, the exact opposite is true. The longer I am with someone, the better the sex gets. Years of building trust, intimacy, passion and vulnerability, and hundreds of moments of shared pain and joys can translate to abandoning all inhibitions and diving into pure pleasure in the bedroom. It takes a lifetime to get to know a body and a mind, what drives it crazy with desire, to touch where and how and when and how fast and how hard is an art and a skill you’ll want to spend decades exploring. Married sex is super hot and it’s confusing that no one wants to talk about it. 
My friends used to talk a lot about sex before we all got married and then, after marriage, suddenly no one wants to talk about it. Believe me, I’ve tried. One friend told me that it felt like a violation of her husband’s trust to talk about their sex life with her friends, that this topic was too private and too intimate to share. This friend in particular is really struggling to find any pleasure in the bedroom, has no interest in being intimate with her husband and their relationship is suffering. I fear that this claim to respect one’s privacy is in actuality, fear of being fully known. It’s shame. I think we need to push ourselves to be vulnerable, and authentic, with our friends, if they are worthy of it of course. Make sure you have good trustworthy friends who have your best interest in mind at all times. But then we must talk! 
Married sex is super important to talk about for lots of reasons. No one is saying an amazing sex life in a long term, monogamous relationship is easy! As mentioned earlier, we are always changing. What pleasured her last time might not be what she wants this time. We need to share tips, fears, struggles, and support. This is when good sex really matters; when keeping a family together depends on it. Great sex is more important and can be hotter than ever when you’re married but we cannot expect everyone to do it on their own. And the unwillingness to talk about it is perpetuating the problem, and causing misunderstanding, misconception, shame, dissatisfaction, infidelity, failed relationships and broken homes.  
By sending the message that married couples don’t have hot sex lives, the effect is similar to the last issue, it stops the couple from seeking a solution and improving their situation because they think it’s normal. Here is an example to illustrate the point. I told my friend about my passion for helping people improve their sex lives and she reassured me that her sex life was great. I was so happy for her! She’s 40 years old and married with three young kids. I wanted to know more. Like, what did she think contributed to their great sex life when so many other couples in her position are struggling? After further discussion, it was soon revealed that she and her husband had sex twice a year. And she wished it was more often, a lot more often. And he wished it was more often, a lot more often. Even though both partners wanted it to change in the same way, they couldn’t make this change. Even with this obstacle looming, she still described her sex life as great because she thought that she was doing better than other married couples. That having great sex twice a year was pretty good, comparatively. And maybe she’s right. But it can be better. 

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